Come Dine With Me
by Darfur Maxx
Summary: Written as a request. A small dinner party, open to a select few, for just one night. One night only.
1. Luigi

Luigi had just thought up a great idea: today he would invite his friends over to have dinner with him tonight! He had the whole house to himself, due to Mario leaving to go work as a plumber for the first time since over a decade, at the very least. The Mario Brothers were actually quite wealthy from all the adventures that they went on over the years, though when Luigi brought this up to his brother earlier this morning, he simply shrugged at him with a bored look in his eyes.

"Back in the mud I've been in I confess," he said in an all-too familiar tune, "I'm so happy here! There's nothing you can do to make me stay away, away, away," Mario repeated as he was back-flipping away towards the rising sun, singing like a maniac.

The plumber yipped and flipped away as well as flipping off the mail parakoopa that flew by every Sunday. Mario was funneled off towards a wild adventure, and away from Luigi. Now he needs to decide who he should invite over, on such a splendid evening he had already planned out ahead of time. The first one that came to mind was obvious: Yoshi.

Because he's been an excellent companion for all these years, and never once complained of being hit in the back of the head repeatedly. Luigi admired how he was so loyal, and so resilient. Assuming that he and Mario have been talking to the same yoshi all this time.

Yoshit- no, Yoshi.

The smiling, fanciful farce of animal abuse and Italian meatballs. He would make a fine guest, indeed. He would balance out the more disturbing aspects of Birdo, with his fleshy tongue and constant innuendos that comes out in inarticulate Yoshi noises. Truth be told, Luigi didn't much like Birdo, but he needed to invite him—and Birdo has _always_ been a he to him, no matter what everybody else kept shoving down his throat. Just like all those eggs. God did he hate the eggs.

Sighing, he turned towards the kitchen, about to start preparing the dinner he had planned. First, he washed his hands at the sink. Somehow, he couldn't help but feel more like a surgeon preparing for an operation than someone trying to throw together a small dinner party. In a way, it fit the mood. He was most definitely hoping for his desired outcome, by his own, calculating hands.

Peaches would fit it even more, he realized.

Once he was done washing his hands, he moved over to the cupboard, and pulled out some peaches. They were still good, and it works as a side dish for everyone. They all liked peaches. Especially Princess Peach, he remembered. Luigi also had a chocolate cake in the 'fridge, for dessert. He was planning on making spaghetti as well; topped with home-made marinara sauce with added seasoning, and complemented by mozzarella, mushrooms, and meatballs. These were his three favourite ingredients for pasta, and he knew that his guests wouldn't mind him taking some liberty with switching around what they've come to expect of his culinary skills, just a little.

They won't even notice it at first.

He didn't even need to wonder who to invite last. She had become the rock that so many in their friend circle now rely on. Their deepest, and surprisingly one of their closest friends, in recent years.

Luigi picked up the red mushroom phone, ready to call her up. Ready to make this a night to remember.

He dialed her number.

An eerie, somewhat deep, slightly irritated feminine voice was on the line. "Yes?"

He could listen to that voice for the rest of his life, and still not get enough of it. It had always caressed his consciousness, in that unique pitch. It sounded almost like a toad from the Mushroom Kingdom, but with an inflection that only vibed within this one woman. His heart was fluttering, just thinking about her!

"Hello? _Who is this?_ " She asked, becoming increasingly annoyed.

"Oh, hi Princess Shroob! Would you like to come dine with me and the gang, tonight?"

"I'd _love_ to, Lu-eege!"

Luigi smiled. This will be a night they will never forget.

 **TO BE CONTINUED**


	2. Yoshi

The green dinosaur cried out in joy. "Yoshi get a phone call! Yoshi get a phone call! Yoshi get a phone call!" The phone ringing meant that an exciting new adventure was around the corner, or a fun experience was about to happen. He danced eagerly while picking up the phone and listening intently to the receiver. "Yoshiiii!"

"Hey Yoshi," the familiar voice of Luigi said, "are you busy today? The reason I called is that I wanna invite you over for dinner tonight! Mario's gonna be out all night and I hate being alone, and I'm inviting our other friends over, too. Like Peach, Birdo, and Princess Shroob."

"Yes yes yes! Yoshi will come tonight!" Yoshi squealed in delight. "Especially with Princess Shroob!"

"Glad to hear it! See ya' then!" Luigi then hung up on him.

Yoshi couldn't believe it; not only did his friend Luigi invite him over for dinner tonight, like he has every Sunday for the past six months, but he's also bringing PRINCESS SHROOB! Just like he has at every single dinner party in the past six months! Yoshi was far too ecstatic to even care, for he's going to a dinner party tonight with all of his best friends!

Yoshi ran around in circles while barking excitedly, like a yoshi, leaving a severely depressed Birdo to wallow in her grime and filth around the cabin they lived in. She knew exactly what Yoshi was all happy about. It happened every Sunday, for half a year.

And she knew _exactly_ what was to come.

 **TO BE CONTINUED**


	3. Peach

The woman lied in her bed for the longest time, not feeling like going back to sleep, but not wanting to get up and face reality just yet. The morning sun beamed through her window, lighting up the little life within a life that she was experiencing. The warm glow she was covered in now would be the last time she'll ever feel the sunshine again. These are the last moments of feigned ignorance inside of a mortal construct.

The cell phone on the nightstand suddenly started to ring. She reached for the pink tablet and accepted the call, knowing who it was even before she saw the caller ID.

"Hey, Peach."

It was Luigi's voice coming out of her cell phone. It's that time again, she thought to herself. It all flooded to the forefront of her mind in an instant. Tonight is the big one.

"Hi Luigi." The princess got straight to the point. No need to beat around the bush. "Dinner at your place, tonight?"

"Of course, Peach," he chuckled, "we're all set. Our friends are coming, as always; Yoshi told me that Birdo's not feeling so well, but he's coming anyway. So is Princess Shroob."

"That's good." She knew that there was nothing to worry about, but she still felt the urge to ask. Rather, the need to ask. "Will Mario be there?"

"Nope! He said that he decided that he was going to be a plumber once again, and _something_ tells me that I don't think he'll be a problem for us tonight." The way that he pronounced the word was all but a giveaway for what he meant by "something".

"Oh, I see . . . you really took care of him huh?"

The man laughed. "Let's just say that Mario couldn't handle his Italian meatballs this morning."

"Perfect." They both knew that this was about the only option to really get him out of the way. Murder was simply too inconvenient for their hearts and minds, alike. At first, Mario would be part of the dinner parties, himself. Things were a little different then. They had to keep actual secrets just a couple months earlier. The food was less appetizing back then, and Mario himself made the group dynamics unacceptable. He would build up whatever Luigi and Peach would subtly try to tear down about the other guests, particularly Birdo. Birdo used to have a backbone; at least until she started going to the dinner parties (Luigi sometimes joked about finally having his own Luigi Party.) Bowser just so happened to steal the seven star spirits again, causing Mario to go forth and put a stop to it, giving the two ample amounts of time to mold their little social group together the way that they see fit.

Now that Mario's out of the way, the two were closer to the end-game than ever. All that was left now, would be for dinner time.

The thought crossed her mind, just now. "I'm a little concerned over Birdo."

"Huh, why's that?"

"She knows too much, and to be blunt, I have a bad feeling about her. I'm just afraid that if word gets out that-"

"Birdo is nothing to worry about," said Luigi, "I had a real long talk with him last week. Even if he has spoken up, nobody will really notice or care. He's a known pariah that's baby-sitting an infantile dinosaur out in the woods. Nobody's taking him so much as an inch seriously."

Peach sighed into the receiver, with her eyes closed.

"Hey."

"Yes?"

"Is this right?"

"What do you mean by that?"

"Are we _really_ doing the right thing, here? I'm not entirely sure if this is going to be worth it . . ."

"Peach, I thought that we had already talked about this before. This may seem wrong, but this is an opportunity that comes only to a select few. We _can't_ throw that away now, not after all that we've worked towards this!"

For a moment, the two were in silence.

"I'll see you at dinner tonight, Peach. Don't be late."

He hung up afterwards.

She already knew there was no turning back. Nor was there forgiveness.

It's time to get ready.

 **TO BE CONTINUED**


	4. Birdo

I should be dead.

Do I mean it? I can't mean that. I shouldn't mean it. I have to stay positive.

Gotta think positive. Gotta _breathe_ positive. Stay happy for the dinner. Can't let your friends down, not any of them. Even if they don't actually care about you. I wish that they did, but they really, really don't. They used to, but that changed.

So Luigi's made a great dinner tonight, as always. That's something to stay positive about. I can still believe that, at the very least. I can still believe everyone else happy to be here, chatting amongst themselves. Yoshi's already digging into his spaghetti without a second thought, Peach was having hers alongside a peach, experimenting with the different textures of the food. How could anybody eat like that? How gross do you even have to be to think that mixes together? Princess Shroob was more into savouring every bite and taking her time. Luigi was enjoying his meal, sitting right beside Shroob as if it wasn't _painfully_ obvious that he's all but literally crazy over her, much less attracted to her. Seriously, how does nobody notice this? How am I the only one that sees how he acts around her, or even touch her? He's been kind of blatant about this recently, too. It was a few months ago, back when Mario was a part of these dinners that I started noticing that he would move his hand to the back of Shroob's head, almost like he was picking from it. And Shroob's into it, she keeps letting him do this. Anyway, I would be eating just like everyone else by this point, usually. At least before I knew what we were actually eating. Nobody believed me when I told them about it. Even then, it's still as appetizing as ever, staring me right in the face, beckoning me to throw the rest of my life away and to be consumed in entirety. Begging for me to give in to it and stuff it all down my snout. Give in to Luigi and- and-

I don't think I can eat it, I really don't think that I can-

This shouldn't be happening.

Not tonight.

Not tonight!

This can't be happening! This can't be happening to me! THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENIN-

"Birdo, what's wrong?"

The voice of Peach cut me off. I would've been startled, but I just didn't feel startled. I turned towards her, trying my best not to look disturbed. I hope that I don't look mortified in front of everyone, drawing attention to myself. Do I seem disturbed to you? They're always judging me now, always judging, always picking me apart. Always watch-

"Aren't you going to dine with us?"

I said that I was, despite myself. Everybody else was, after all. We even had a long talk about this. It really wasn't pleasant, and just _thinking_ about it was enough to fill me with terror. I started prodding the spaghetti with my fork.

"This spaghetti is _absolutely amazing!_ " The poisonous mushroom announced, to the pride of her boyfriend. I don't think anybody's really questioning why exactly Princess Shroob even exists, at this point. Even Peach doesn't seem to care that her own evil alter ego is living independently from her, much less having dinner parties with us. Didn't she try to kill all of us at one point? "Oh Luigi! I simply must know how you've made us all such delicious meals!"

The man blushed profusely, like being teased by his lover, to the surprise—or for that matter, recognition of nobody. "Eeehhh—it's a family secret! It's been passed on for generation to generation."

"Oh don't be like that, Lu-eege! You're so talented and smart at cooking! Can't you show me _anything_ about how you cook? I'd love to be able to make spaghetti like that for everyone!" She glowered into his eyes, probably trying to do the puppy-dog look. It disturbs me. " _Please?_ "

"Well, I-"

"Yoshi wants to cook too!" The dinosaur interrupted, already through with his spaghetti and peach. "Yoshi loves to cook too!" No he doesn't. He loves having somebody cook for him and being around Princess Shroob. Everybody loves being around her; even I do, and I can't stand her! It's been like this practically since the first of these dinner parties, all these months ago.

Come to think of it, we all revolve around her now.

Why?

Does it have to do with the purple stuff Luigi kept picking off of her? What is that stuff? You didn't have to scream at me for asking.

"Birdo, why aren't you eating your spaghetti?" Luigi looked me straight in the face, with a barely subdued expression of anger. I learned the hard way about what he's like when he stares you down like a merciless rottweiler.

"Oh, uh well," crap, he'll see right through me, they all do. "Yoshi's eating keeps distracting me, he's a really noisy eater, you know."

"Do you not like the food, Birdo?" He asked, as if it was truly important.

Because it was.

All the other guests stared at me, just a little too sharply for comfort.

"Birdo, what's wrong with you?" Said the princess. The real princess. "Luigi had busted his ass off doing all of these dinner parties that you've participated in, each and _every_ single time. Why are you showing him disrespect?"

"I don't mean any sort of disrespect, it's just that-"

"It's just _what_ , Birdo?" Luigi had all but abandoned his benign mask, glaring right at me. "You are making a big fucking ass of yourself right now, you know that? You're being a little **BITCH** , here!"

"Birdo you little bitch!" Barked Yoshi up my face. "Birdo is being a little bitch to Luigi! Birdo is being a little bitch to Princess Shroob!"

"What do you have to say for yourself?" Peach sneered, with venom dripping from her voice.

"I'm sorry, I just don't feel hungry-"

Luigi seethed audibly, his mouth smelling faintly of Shroob. "You're not hungry, huh . . ." He peered into my eyes, hissing as he spoke. " _What are you hungry for, then?_ "

Princess Shroob simply watched the other guests menace towards me. Suffocating me through sheer anxiety. She looked at me like an unwanted turd at the dinner table.

"What are you hungry for, Birdo?" Peach asked me, not expecting any answer that she would like. "what sort of **dog shit** someone like you could possibly want over this dinner? _Eggs?_ "

This is too much. Why are they all so angry? What's going on!? "I just don't think that I wanna eat right now."

"Why won't you eat dinner with us?" Peach bored holes into my flesh, through her gaze. "What the fuck is _wrong_ with you!?"

"Eat the fucking spaghetti Birdo! Eat the fucking spaghetti!" Yoshi hollered. "Eat the spaghetti, Luigi made it! Eat the fucking spaghetti! Eat the fucking spaghetti!" Screaming right in my face with those purple spores down his throat, maniacally chanting. "Eat the fucking spaghetti! Eat the fucking spaghetti! Eat the fucking spaghetti! Eat the fucking spaghetti! Eat the fucking-"

" **I DON'T WANT TO EAT ANY MORE OF** _ **PRINCESS SHROOB!**_ **NOT ANY PART OF HER!** _ **I WILL NEVER DO IT AGAIN!**_ "

All of them were looking at me at that moment. I had crossed the point of no return.

I told the truth.

They all took it differently. Yoshi stopped in his tracks, unsure of his entire life up until now. Princess Shroob looked absolutely mortified, her eyes wide. Peach and Luigi, however, were simply cold towards me. Cold, and disappointed.

And looked like they were about to kill me.

I never saw them move so fast before in all my years knowing them. They immediately went for bludgeoning my head with their fists and knocking me over. They didn't stop there, they beat my skull in until my mind exploded in pain. I wasn't able to articulate much else. I couldn't face them in a fair fight, much less like this.

I just couldn't eat her anymore.

 **TO BE CONTINUED**


	5. AWWH PPRO BABE

The earliest memory I had, that one single poignant memory of my life, was Lu-eege. The wind was blowing, and the sun beamed upon us and all the grass, the trees. Mushrooms, and flowers, illuminated in a beautiful shade of purple. I did not know myself at the time, it was as if I was born that day. I was a shining star, a brilliant fungus who the world around her bowed to her splendor. I had the world at my feet, and there was joy. Out of all of the choices that he had here, he chose _me._

I am the Princess; the giddy little baby. I'm Lu-eege's baby. He picked me out of all the rest.

I've been his baby since then.

I loved, loved, loved all the dinner parties he throws for us. They've all been wonderful, every single one of them.

Not just for the food, or even for all of my friends having a dinner party together. They've always been about me. All me. I am the baby, I am everyone's baby.

Lu-eege loves me.

Yoshi loves me.

Peachy loves me.

Birdo loves me, too.

Everyone loves me so much!

 _I love me!_

In fact, Lu-eege wanted to show how much that he loves me that he had a house built for me, right on the field where we first met. It's a really pretty house. It was painted purple, my favourite colour. It was shaped like a big mushroom, with white spots on the sides that were where the windows are, located on the second floor, these red shades that were shaped like half a circle hanging a bit below the second floor, and a nice, red front door on the ground level. You would enter the mossy foyer at the bottom, filled with these pretty short little red flat-headed mushrooms surrounding the two foot tall, downward curving green mushrooms with a white rim. The walls are a similar colour to the light purple on the exterior, with a wooden, green spiraling staircase leading upwards. Upstairs had everything that a good girl like me would ever want: running water, a kitchen and dining room, bathroom covered by a curtain for privacy, a bookshelf full of wonderful romantic stories, complete with marriage and babies. A nice, soft bed, with everything on it coloured either purple or red It was so beautiful. It was mine. All of this was mine.

When me and Lu-eege talked on the phone earlier, he had promised me a great reward for being such a good girl. I felt so excited! I asked him what it was, and you know what he told me?

"Well, let me put it this way: It starts with the letter C, and I have 95,000 of them."

I knew what he was referring to. It made me so happy to hear that! He had taught me the importance of this money, how it is used, how it was special. This money would allow me to live completely independently, to have something to fall back on.

I thought all of my friends were mine, too.

I thought they all were.

But I realized that I couldn't move. I was totally numb. I knew I wasn't at home. I was at Luigi's.

Watching him and Peachy hurting Birdo. Watch them hiss and scream, frozen in place alongside Yoshi. I listened, but the words were all drowned out by Birdo. Tying her up in a chair in front of me, where she now sat with her eyes blank and head hanging to her left shoulder.

Was it true?

Is she telling the truth? Surely that couldn't be. I was still whole, and everyone loves me. They wouldn't ever dream of hurting me in any way. Right? _Right?_

If she's not lying, then . . .

Then-

"Ahah-ahahal-ououo-uuuah-ahah-aha-haha!"

Yoshi had seemingly changed on the spot, letting out this _hideous_ hacking, high-pitched monotone laugh. He laughed and laughed and laughed, wide eyed, pupils dilated to the point where it consumed most of his eyes, and with his slobber falling down his mouth. He shook his head around really fast and hard, ending up slamming it on the dinner table two, three-four-five-six times! Each thud shook the plates and glasses on the table, they jostled all over the place. My glass of water stood too close to the edge, it fell on the floor, spilling the ground in wet, shattered pieces of glass made sharper by the ear-shattering noise it made. His laughter was matched only by the sheer lack of anxiety or fear in Lu-eege or Peachy. If anything, they were making fun of him.

I tried to speak, but somehow my body just didn't respond. It was like I was thinking about it more than actually doing it. And they both _laughed_ when they saw that I couldn't speak.

They were making fun of me, in voices that were similar to how Yoshi's sounded, but they weren't banging their heads on the table, unlike him. Why were they doing this to me? Why did they hurt Birdo?

"Look, our shroober is spooked! Hahaha, _shroober._ You're just a big shrooby baby shrooby shroob!" Peachy laughed and laughed.

Why are you two so mean, now? What have I done?

"Don't you worry my sweetums shrooby booby boo, here comes the _fun_ part." Lu-eege said with a toothy smile, covered in specks of purple. "Ehehehe, sorry I dunn' have a real good sense of words right now, but we're doin' this 'cause we love you and we love ourselves so much we will live forever! Guess what? You're helping with that!" He shook from side to side as he continued. "You've been helping with that, you've been helping us all, all along. We've been eating your spores to be ready for tonight!"

What, is he being serious?

He kept talking, almost acting like he could read my own thoughts. "Oh, I'm so serious Shroob, I'm so so so seriously serious about this shit! I had it all planned out, I had it all ready to go! Even dumbass Birdo couldn't change shit!"

I saw Peachy starting to move towards me, with a dark look that I've never seen from her before.

Before I could even so much as think in protest, she sunk her teeth into my shoulder. I saw it rather than felt it, as she started to rip into my body.

This is happening. This is happening.

"So why try explaining it all when instead I can _show you?_ " He lurched towards my face, my own face. He was close. He giggled a little bit, or maybe he was shivering.

Maybe he didn't want to do this.

Maybe he wanted this to stop.

Maybe he will put a sto-

He opened his mouth wide, over my right eye. His face became bigger and more oppressive, until he was devouring my being with his mouth. Why was he doing this!? I soon didn't have vision in that place anymore. He didn't stop. Peachy didn't stop. Yoshi kept laughing and laughing and laughing at me, at himself, at Lu-eege, at Peachy, at Birdo. He laughed and then looked at me. The side of his head was dripping red, and he opened his mouth, a pink nub flicked out. His tongue was gone.

I didn't want him to see me. He looked at me with the same look the other two had, so I averted my gaze. I couldn't feel the man putting his mouth on my neck or the woman on my chest. But I could see them hurting me, right through my clothes. I lifted my working eye up and tried to think about something else, while staring at Birdo, waking up with two black eyes. I noticed a shade of green moving.

Yoshi's coming towards me.

* * *

Princess Shroob won 95,000 coins that night.

 **THE END**


End file.
